Crack

There are times when it feels like if I breath, everything will fall. Something inside me will crack open with the intensity of a 9.5 earthquake and everything and everyone I know will fall through that crack and I'll never see them again.

Even when I try to give myself a break, as I did this past Friday, I feel the creaking, the bending and I quickly hold my breath...hold it, hold it, hold it!

Friday night a dear friend invited me to go see a play.  She paid, she drove...how could I say no?  Sergio took the kids to dance and I got ready for a night of culture in a L.A.  It was a really great evening.  The GPS took us through the worst of L.A....skid row, although I have no idea if it's still called that.  There among all the tents and the homeless I uttered my first prayer in a long time.  A prayer of gratitude, of "there but by the grace of God."  I noticed a buzz or busyness in this area and I noticed there were no problems.  My girlfriend was a little freaked out and apologized for driving through "this part of town."  I honestly didn't mind, I'm a witness now.  I don't look away from things that are uncomfortable or unpleasant...but somehow this was neither for me.

We arrived at the theatre early and had time to walk across the street to my favorite bookstore, The Last Bookstore.  We browsed a bit and then had a glass of wine before heading to watch the play.

The play was beautiful and sad.  It was presented by the Kulunka Theatre Company.  The company was created in The Basque Country, Spain, in 2010.  Three actors wearing exaggerated masks played out the story of Andre and Dorine in silence.  Andre and Dorine and their adult son are dealing with the effects of aging, dementia, memories and death.  Right up my alley.

There are several moments the were pivotal for me.  Dorine's son comes to visit and points out that her sweater is buttoned all wrong.  She shrugs it off as a mistake...she was rushing.  (CREAK)

Andre takes Dorine to the doctors office and she asks him to sit down in an empty chair, three times in a row.  He finally gets angry and sits down just so she'll be quiet!  (CRRREEEAK)

Dorine goes to the restroom and comes out with her panties around her ankles.  When Andre goes to help her pull them up, he realizes she's all wet.  He dries her up, and mops up the bathroom.  (CRAAACK!)

It took holding my breath until I just about turned blue not to sob through the whole thing.  It was sad but it was also funny.  What I wanted was to scream YES!!  YES!!  It's just LIKE THAT!  I felt I walked away with some sort of acknowledgment, a confirmation, an affirmation that this life does exist.  The sobbing I feared was not because I was sad it's was because I was relieved.  I couldn't let go and sob because I was afraid I would never stop.  It would open the flood gates to the exhaustion I've been keeping at bay.

The day it finally happens and it will, I'm not naive enough to believe it won't, the day it happens I will cry for days and sleeps for years.